3 Costumes That Make You A Dick

Halloween is one of the greatest days of the year, maybe because people get to pretend they’re someone different for a day or just because of the implied drunken sluttyness that accompanies the holiday. Despite the opportunity that Halloween presents to be a dreamy piece of man-meat there a few costumes so played-out or underwhelming that no man should be caught dead in them.

It’s easy for women to appeal to men in their costume choices, after all we’re good with curves and skin! While a scantily clad black-cat costume can work well for a woman the masculine equivalent is far less impressive to the opposite sex and even less-so to men, it’s like asking to get punched in the chops.



Avoid trying to appeal to women by donning the “sexy” pirate outfit, there’s 3 reasons it worked in Pirates of the Caribbean; 1) It was 9 years ago (before thin mustaches were creepy) 2) It was Johnny Depp, and you’re not and 3) Pirates smell worse than hippies and smell-o-vision isn’t a thing. As a rule, if your costume requires eye-liner re-think it.


Put the suit back in the closet! Halloween is a time to dress uniquely, so saying you’re James Bond is a tenuous excuse to accessorize your briefcase full of Snickers bars. Aside from the fact that you’re dressed like about a dozen other jerks it’s far easier to pull-off being a douche-bag by popping your collar, putting on your aviators and tucking the front of your polo in so everyone can admire your belt-buckle.


Generally speaking just about everyone at your Halloween party will be aware of the fact that you have genitals. Drawing attention to your junk with a costume like “Spaghetti and Meatballs” is about as awesome as yelling your own name during sex. While “hey look I have genitals” costumes are obnoxious at least they’re not the “I’m a big-giant penis” costumes.

When dressing for Halloween make sure to apply any knowledge you may have about being fashionable while taking into account that while Halloween is a great time to get an eye-full of sexy women in skimpy animal attire it’s no excuse for a man to dress like a dick.

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