4 Facebook Friends You Hate

No matter if you’re only on Facebook to make friends, keep in touch with family or just to tell people far more than they should ever know about your life and grooming habits you’ve got friends you hate, while you may feel obligated to keep some of them around you should have no problem unfriending these 4.

The Promoter

If you’ve ever wondered if you could make a living bathing in cologne and owning a computer ‘The Promoter’ is proof that you can and that it’s even easier if you live with your parents.

Seeking to satisfy your insatiable desire to party every night ‘The Promoter’ will constantly remind you to get on the guest list by inviting you and 400 other people to events faster than you can decline them.

Like the rich kid in high school he looks impressive but no one really likes him but he’s always got enough money to buy a round of shots because leasing a car and collecting rent-to-own jewelry is easy when you don’t have to pay rent.

Resembles: The DJ, The Terrible Entrepreneur, and The Perve Photographer

How to Identify

– Uses smiley faces more than any other group of straight men =)

– Frequently says things like: Guest list, VIP, Shout-out, Clubbin’ and his timeline is covered in pictures with colorful text and lens flares.

– Often uses all CAPS and an inappropriate amount of exclamation marks!!!

– Pictures section consists of thousands of dimly light photos of ‘The Promoter’ with his arms around drunk guys and uncomfortable women


The Lazy Activist

No matter how much people love her in real life 100% of people can’t possibly care about all the crap she posts. She’s got all the time in the world to complain but never seems to do anything. If any of the injustices she won’t shut-up about were ever solved it would just give her more time complain about different nonsense.

How to Identify

– It’s likely she’s a vegetarian, it’s more likely she’s a vegan (you don’t need to ask if she is, she’ll let you know).

– Frequent use of words such as: Carcinogens, Toxins, Murder, Testing, Animal as well as use of pictures that kill your buzz

– She’s nearly always adorable, which is unfortunate because she’s painful to be around (kinda like a bear-trap baited with boobs)

– Does not think “why aren’t you in the kitchen” jokes are funny

– The lazy activist may come in male form but, generally speaking males with excess amounts of time bother us in different ways (see ‘The Promoter’) unless their intention is to hook-up with the female version.

The DJ

He may have been a break dancing skater in high school but after years of drug use and listening to Linkin Park it became clear that it’s easier to get high school girls from behind a turn table.

Like The Promoter his timeline is full of disturbing pictures and shameless [self] promotion but he loves bubbles and laser lights way more.

Normal musicians write, record and perform their own music but ever since Napster smashing other peoples music together with a standardized selection of stock sounds has been enough trick people into calling The DJ an artist.

How to Identify

– Says things like: Warehouse Party was Cray, REMIX!, and I don’t take requests, as well as random assortments of letters and numbers in reference to their equipment

– All status updates are about previous or future events

– Owns more headphones than underwear

– Often will be disturbingly older than his girlfriend

The Hopeless Girl

If Bi-Polarity had a face it would look a lot like the ‘Hopeless Girl’s.’ She’s been in 73 relationships in the last year and every one of them has been with “the most perfectest boyfran evarr” which is surprising considering how much of a dick he’ll be next week.

‘The Hopeless Girl’ comes in several varieties the most popular of which are extra-large as well as super-cute due to their differing appearances their dating habits and frequency may vary but they’re all run-your-clothes-through-a-paper-shredder-crazy.

How To Identify

– Inexplicable attachment to a small and hideous animal

– Frequently says: Treats me like a princess, Amazzzing, OMG, Hate, Love

– Loves pictures with text that begins with the words “Real Men…” or being talked off a ledge by as many people as possible (never both at the same time)

– Tons of bracelets and more boots than metropolitan parking enforcement (Not always present but a great indicator)

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